Sublime

There’s a Dutch phrase that captures this duality beautifully: “kissing up, kicking down.” Although takers tend to be dominant and controlling with subordinates, they’re surprisingly submissive and deferential toward superiors. When takers deal with powerful people, they become convincing fakers.

Takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their own favor, putting their own interests ahead of others’ needs.

And underneath the phrase is the unspoken suggestion that to receive is to be the weak one, the needy one, the poor one. Of course, from this perspective most of us would rather be the ‘giver’ than the ‘taker.’ The giver is rich and secure and doesn’t need anyone’s help. But taken to its extreme, giving becomes pathological.

givers and takers differ in their attitudes and actions toward other people. If you’re a taker, you help others strategically, when the benefits to you outweigh the personal costs. If you’re a giver, you might use a different cost-benefit analysis: you help whenever the benefits to others exceed the personal costs. Alternatively, you might not thin