Sublime

However, many work teams as well as couples have a list of undiscussables, issues they avoid broaching at all costs in order to preserve a modicum of peace, to preserve the relationship. In reality, the relationship steadily deteriorates for lack of the very conversations they so carefully avoid. It’s difficult to raise the level if the slide has

Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we have to say may be uncomfortable?

get past my own conflict avoidance,

I began this book as a dare to myself. I still clung to a prejudice that writing about my racial identity was minor and non-urgent, a defense that I had to pry open to see what throbbed beneath it. This was harder than I thought, like butterflying my brain out onto a dissection table to tweeze out the nerves that are my inhibitions.

People assume that expressing dissatisfaction is the first step toward satisfaction, but experience shows it is more often the first step toward creating hard feelings. An overwhelming percentage of “this-bothers-me-will-you-please-change” dialogues end up unhappily—with arguments, resentments, self-consciousness and guilt. Why? People tend to be

Rule 1: Don’t Shoot the Messenger I said, “You guys need to relax and let the negative opinions come out. We have to learn from our mistakes so we don’t repeat them. Let’s deal with the information, not the person expressing the opinion.” In order for the corporate truth to be uncovered, we need to remember that no single person is responsible for

“Receptivity without confrontation leads to a bland neutrality that serves nobody,” the theologian Henri Nouwen wrote. “Confrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody.”