Sublime

Of the many emerging descriptions of our social brain, for me the simplest and most elegant is the highly regarded Social Baseline Theory of Lane Beckes and James A. Coan, two researchers at the University of Virginia.

is that a deeper sense of belonging and “connection to a larger humanity gives people more freedom to express their individuality without fear of jeopardizing belonging.”

Our deepest reserves of resilience come from knowing that other people are counting on us.

Roy Baumeister, a world-renowned social psychologist, wrote similarly about the need to belong—about our fundamental and innate need to form interpersonal relationships, to maintain social bonds, to be part of a shared community.

“Becoming is better than being.”

Psychologists describe those who find meaning through different social roles as having high self-complexity. And women are the ultimate shapeshifters. We find meaning through our roles as mothers, bosses, best friends, and wives. For example, 43% of women said children and grandchildren gave their life meaning, but only 24% of men said the same.

When a core belief is questioned, though, we tend to shut down rather than open up. It’s as if there’s a miniature dictator living inside our heads,8 controlling the flow of facts to our minds, much like Kim Jong-un controls the press in North Korea. The technical term for this in psychology is the totalitarian ego, and its job is to keep out threa