Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship (Goop Press)

We will never experience collective healing until we undo the dissociation and compartmentalization that is required of us to do collective harm.

James Baldwin, Malcolm X.

The first step in recovery, coming into right relationship with our privilege, is to see it. To feel its near ubiquitous protection.

“So is there anything I can do,” I ask Charles, “to move us toward repair?”

The field of trauma psychology has recently articulated what it calls moral injury, a particular—and quite virulent—form of PTSD that assaults the psyche of the perpetrator.

first-order change, a rearrangement of the furniture, but second-order change, a revolution in fundamental structure.

Soft power. When you need to speak up, be artful. Take care of your partner as best you can by explicitly cherishing them and your relationship. Start by letting them know you need repair, is this a good time? If your partner agrees to talk, thank them, start off with an appreciation—something you are thankful for that your partner has said or done

“Come hell or high water, short of outright physical self-defense, I will not indulge in words or behaviors that are disrespectful to any other human being. And neither will I sit passively by if someone is disrespectful to me. I will ask them to speak differently to me, and if that doesn’t work, I will break the interaction and leave. But I won’t

Now that you’ve listened, you need to respond. How? Empathically and accountably. Own whatever you can, with no buts, excuses, or reasons. “Yes, I did that”—plain and simple. Land on it, really take it on. The more accountable you are, the more your partner might relax.