kai

To fail myself. To fail myself means not achieving a goal I set for myself. When I get anxious, in the evening especially, when I get insomnia whispers and aftertastes, they stick because they are underlined by a sense of failure. And I know I know. How can I fail when I didn’t do anything actively. It happened to me. I had no control. But that’s

I think about how these days I have a lot of stress—a new administrative position job1, a looming research job2, finishing my Master’s thesis, applying for PhD, all the reproductive labour—and clearly, I am a but anxious about it, think about too much during the day. It is during times like these when it is expected to have trouble sleeping (at

When I think about being unhappy or anxious to the point of panic in the future, it makes me recoil in horror. It is as if though now, I must be failing at my life trajectory, or my recovery trajectory if that’s how my future looks like

But when I remember I’m a becoming, a very temporally-limited sense of clarity washes over me. Because becoming

I’m so tired and I don’t sleep that well. I am awake a lot, I struggle to fall asleep and sometimes I wake too early. It fucking sucks. I am quite anxious about it, and butter too. IYesterday, there was a birthday party and we lay down at like 1 and I was up til 3 or more. Because I was reading and I was excited about the book but also because I