Insomnia Diary

these are reminders for me that I should not worry about engaging with insomnia-related content and I do not have to fear the whispers and aftertaste of insomnia.

kai

I sleep like shit these days. It’s nearing the end of Novemeber and I should submit my thesis by the 30th. And instead of finishing, I am swamped by the admin job, worked from 10 to 18 today. And I was quite tired so it wasn’t the best day and I have a tonne of stuff on my mind and on top of that, the good old worry of “oh, I don’t wish to do it

I think about how these days I have a lot of stress—a new administrative position job1, a looming research job2, finishing my Master’s thesis, applying for PhD, all the reproductive labour—and clearly, I am a but anxious about it, think about too much during the day. It is during times like these when it is expected to have trouble sleeping (at

I was kinda anxious again, because i was tired today since we went to a concert yesterday and I came home at like 2am.. all chill, but my boy woke up early to travel home, and I with him. And I was really weary, tired, and like, feeling it physically and once again, it brought about this kind of anxiety, like my brain swithing on the threat

LATER COMMENT (nov 2025): I think that my latest card is a useful elaboration of this topic. The materiality of tiredness and its relation to anticipation of sleeplessness (anxieety about it) is like a married couple. I can see their marriage as it is - nonfunctional but also a heritage of a traumatic experience with insomnia which is not some kind of past mythical condition but the same exact thing as this but salted and peppered with panic etc. - and move on.. surely courage is vital, but this is important too! :)

COMMENT: This realisation that i can actually be courageous came up when I looked at time and saw it’s half past 11 and I usually go to bed around 12 and this impulse is strong especially when I’m tired (i give more fucks, feeding the insomnia paradox of being tired and doing sub-conscious sleep efforts and worrying). So I was like, no, its no mythical border I can’t cross, I can do it, willfully even. And then I saved the note and was like, it’s 23:35, dang, I need to go to sleep soon. No wonder I have to repeat the lessons over and over with this memory retention capacity🤣🤣

I’m so tired and I don’t sleep that well. I am awake a lot, I struggle to fall asleep and sometimes I wake too early. It fucking sucks. I am quite anxious about it, and butter too. IYesterday, there was a birthday party and we lay down at like 1 and I was up til 3 or more. Because I was reading and I was excited about the book but also because I

I had an amazing day. We went for a 3.5 hour easy hike with my friends, then I did some work on my thesis and then I cooked for a next few days. I yawned a lot but like, once again, no suffering (because I went out and broke the cycle of self-referential thinking which drives anxiety…. All that was left was a but of yawning here an there and then some tiredness)

To fail myself. To fail myself means not achieving a goal I set for myself. When I get anxious, in the evening especially, when I get insomnia whispers and aftertastes, they stick because they are underlined by a sense of failure. And I know I know. How can I fail when I didn’t do anything actively. It happened to me. I had no control. But that’s

I remember back in the first months of insomnia recovery, I was so sad about experiences and thoughts suddenly reoccurring, after I believed I overcame them. I remember crying about panicking after a night of little sleep after I established that I no longer felt threatened by wakefulness. And I was, usually, doing just fine at night and the next

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The signal, the glimpses (the thoughts that trigger the anxious reaction in the bodymind

The first glimpses of