kai
@rhizomatickai
kai
What I find interesting in the insomnia experience and recovery is the entanglement of, let’s say, primary and secondary threat response. Sometimes, I am stressed by some life events, which makes sleep difficult — I’m pumped with adrenaline thinking about stuff that I cannot influence at the moment, since they are in the future, and the involuntary
... See moreI sleep like shit these days. It’s nearing the end of Novemeber and I should submit my thesis by the 30th. And instead of finishing, I am swamped by the admin job, worked from 10 to 18 today. And I was quite tired so it wasn’t the best day and I have a tonne of stuff on my mind and on top of that, the good old worry of “oh, I don’t wish to do it
... See moreI think about how these days I have a lot of stress—a new administrative position job1, a looming research job2, finishing my Master’s thesis, applying for PhD, all the reproductive labour—and clearly, I am a but anxious about it, think about too much during the day. It is during times like these when it is expected to have trouble sleeping (at
... See moreI was kinda anxious again, because i was tired today since we went to a concert yesterday and I came home at like 2am.. all chill, but my boy woke up early to travel home, and I with him. And I was really weary, tired, and like, feeling it physically and once again, it brought about this kind of anxiety, like my brain swithing on the threat
... See moreLATER COMMENT (nov 2025): I think that my latest card is a useful elaboration of this topic. The materiality of tiredness and its relation to anticipation of sleeplessness (anxieety about it) is like a married couple. I can see their marriage as it is - nonfunctional but also a heritage of a traumatic experience with insomnia which is not some kind of past mythical condition but the same exact thing as this but salted and peppered with panic etc. - and move on.. surely courage is vital, but this is important too! :)
COMMENT: This realisation that i can actually be courageous came up when I looked at time and saw it’s half past 11 and I usually go to bed around 12 and this impulse is strong especially when I’m tired (i give more fucks, feeding the insomnia paradox of being tired and doing sub-conscious sleep efforts and worrying). So I was like, no, its no mythical border I can’t cross, I can do it, willfully even. And then I saved the note and was like, it’s 23:35, dang, I need to go to sleep soon. No wonder I have to repeat the lessons over and over with this memory retention capacity🤣🤣
I’m so tired and I don’t sleep that well. I am awake a lot, I struggle to fall asleep and sometimes I wake too early. It fucking sucks. I am quite anxious about it, and butter too. IYesterday, there was a birthday party and we lay down at like 1 and I was up til 3 or more. Because I was reading and I was excited about the book but also because I
... See moreI had an amazing day. We went for a 3.5 hour easy hike with my friends, then I did some work on my thesis and then I cooked for a next few days. I yawned a lot but like, once again, no suffering (because I went out and broke the cycle of self-referential thinking which drives anxiety…. All that was left was a but of yawning here an there and then some tiredness)
To fail myself. To fail myself means not achieving a goal I set for myself. When I get anxious, in the evening especially, when I get insomnia whispers and aftertastes, they stick because they are underlined by a sense of failure. And I know I know. How can I fail when I didn’t do anything actively. It happened to me. I had no control. But that’s
... See moreWhen I think about being unhappy or anxious to the point of panic in the future, it makes me recoil in horror. It is as if though now, I must be failing at my life trajectory, or my recovery trajectory if that’s how my future looks like
But when I remember I’m a becoming, a very temporally-limited sense of clarity washes over me. Because becoming
... See more
