Relations & Reflections

If shame is the universal fear of being unworthy of love and belonging, and if all people have an irreducible and innate need to experience love and belonging, it’s easy to see why shame is often referred to as “the master emotion.” We don’t have to experience shame to be paralyzed by it—the fear of being perceived as unworthy is enough to force us

So the question is not, "what are the rules of polyamory?" but rather "what type of relationship works for me/us?" To that end, consider the following questions to ask yourself and, if you have a partner(s), discuss with him, her or them. And keep in mind that these questions should be revisited during your regular relationship check-ins over time,

When discussing guidelines, make sure that you are in a neutral space where everyone feels comfortable. Choose a time when everyone is well rested and healthy. The goal is to have a space where everyone feels safe to disclose needs, wants and fears in a conversational manner. And keep the conversation broad with open-ended questions. For example:

I used my research to formulate a plan to lessen my anxiety. The people I interviewed weren’t anxiety-free or even anxiety-averse; they were anxiety-aware. They were committed to a way of living where anxiety was a reality but not a lifestyle. They did this by cultivating calm and stillness in their lives and making these practices the norm.

Setting boundaries and holding people accountable is a lot more work than shaming and blaming. But it’s also much more effective. Shaming and blaming without accountability is toxic to couples, families, organizations, and communities. First, when we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior. By

The issue with restrictive rules made out of fear is that the fear isn't actually addressed, so it never goes away.

Here’s how the research participants described the struggle to be authentic: Don’t make people feel uncomfortable but be honest. Don’t upset anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings but say what’s on your mind. Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all. Don’t say anything unpopular or controversial but have the courage to disagree with the

Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.2 Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too

I encourage you to have the confidence in yourself, your partner and your relationship to feel special without a restrictive rule. Rules can be broken, and they can change at some point. But if you put your trust in your partner and the strength of your relationship, it's far more effective than putting your faith in a rule.