connection/friendship
who are you when you’re not pleasing anyone?
substack.com
remember that love isn’t meant to be an endless series of contortions.
and being easy to love,
should not be the price of being loved at all.
and being easy to love,
should not be the price of being loved at all.
who are you when you’re not pleasing anyone?
Put another way, if you want to have a successful conversation with someone, you don’t have to ask them about their worst memories or how they prepare for telephone calls. You just have to ask them to describe how they feel about their life—rather than the facts of their life—and then ask lots of follow-ups.
Charles Duhigg • Supercommunicators
If something has gone sideways in your friendship, ask your friend to tell you what they’re feeling and thinking. Then be quiet and listen. Resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or answer back. Let them get out everything they need to say. After you clarify that you’ve understood them correctly by repeating back what you heard, ask, “Is it okay if
... See moreKat Vellos • We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships
So why don’t people talk more? Epley continued his research and came up with an answer to the mystery: We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get
... See moreDavid Brooks • How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
TIP ONE: ASK DEEP QUESTIONS
A deep question asks someone about their values, beliefs or experiences. Rather than asking someone about the facts of their life (“Where do you live?”) it asks how they feel about their life. (“What’s the best part of where you live?”) Studies show that people love answering deep questions, because it gives us a chance ... See more
A deep question asks someone about their values, beliefs or experiences. Rather than asking someone about the facts of their life (“Where do you live?”) it asks how they feel about their life. (“What’s the best part of where you live?”) Studies show that people love answering deep questions, because it gives us a chance ... See more
Susan Cain • How to turn "small talk" into Big Talk
The main reason we don’t create more affordances, however, is pure egocentrism. When we just say whatever pops into our heads, we may think we’re making craggy, climbable conversational rock walls, when in fact we’re creating completely frictionless surfaces. For example, I’m thrilled to tell you about the 126 escape rooms I’ve done, but my love fo... See more
Adam Mastroianni • Good conversations have lots of doorknobs Good conversations have lots of doorknobs
When done well, both giving and taking create what psychologists call affordances : features of the environment that allow you to do something. Physical affordances are things like stairs and handles and benches. Conversational affordances are things like digressions and confessions and bold claims that beg for a rejoinder. Talking to another perso... See more
Adam Mastroianni • Good conversations have lots of doorknobs Good conversations have lots of doorknobs
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to th
... See more