book excerpts

The moment you open your mouth to hold a Crucial Conversation, you’ve already made a decision—you’ve decided what to talk about. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that just because we’re talking, we must be solving the right problem. It’s not that simple. If you’re not addressing the right issue, you’ll end up in the same conversation

Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What am I acting like I want?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for

Seventy percent of the success of a Crucial Conversation happens in your head, not through your mouth.

In the 2020 documentary The Social Dilemma, computer scientist Jaron Lanier uses Wikipedia as an example to highlight the craziness of this situation: When you go to a [Wikipedia] page, you’re seeing the same thing as other people. So it’s one of the few things online that we at least hold in common. Now, just imagine for a second that Wikipedia

“But,” she continued, “I’ve learned that when my emotions take over, the best way to get back into control is to focus on a simple question.” At this point she had our full attention. Could asking yourself a single question truly transform your emotions the way we had witnessed it happening with Greta? And if so, what question should you ask? She

Think big. Read about the universe. Nothing makes hatred seem more ridiculous than internalizing how vast time and space are. Doing so makes me want to turn to anyone who will listen and hug them and say, “We both exist! On the same tiny planet at the same exact time! Hi!”

For instance, consider a typical Crucial Conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you, and your body registers the threat. Your body’s instinct is to prepare you for physical safety. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. Your brain diverts

You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved.

Claim one. Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel to say it, others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, insulted, or hurt. You and only you create your emotions.