As Matt came to see that he felt neglected, not seduced, by his mother, he realized that as a child he must have felt that she was too preoccupied with her physical suffering to tune in to him very much. Matt became his mother’s caretaker. He would bring her medicine, listen to her complaints, sometimes call the doctor on her behalf. He became sens

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love (New York: Oxford University Press, 1998), p. 230.

Conversely, to not be able to get Mother’s attention, to not be able to reconnect after there has been a disconnection, can leave the baby feeling profoundly impotent and discouraged about relationships and about getting her needs met.

Can the child think, “Well, my parents are going through a tough time because Dad lost his job and Mom is an alcoholic. It has nothing to do with me. I’ll be able to feel nurtured and appreciated elsewhere in the world”? Obviously not. The child doesn’t know any reality other than the one that his or her family creates. The child can’t just pick up