Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Third Edition

Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime (AMPP)

“Perhaps you were unaware . . .” suggests that you’re not absolutely certain of what the person knew. “In my opinion . . .” says you’re sharing an opinion and no more.

“Really? From the way you’re saying that, it doesn’t sound like you are.”

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool

A shift happens when we no longer look to others just for information. We begin to look to them for definition. We don’t simply enjoy others’ approval; we need it. From that moment we are fundamentally insecure.

those who are best at dialogue tend to turn this logic around. They believe the best way to work on “us” is to start with “me.”

The only reliable path to resolving problems is to find the shortest path to effective conversation.

Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. • Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. • Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for others to share what they’re t

The problem isn’t that we have problems. The problem is the lag time between when we know we have them and when we find a way to effectively confront, discuss, and resolve them. If you reduce this lag time, everything gets better.