Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Third Edition

During Crucial Conversations, the key to maintaining dialogue is to learn to dual-process. Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said).

“Does anyone see it differently?” “What am I missing here?” “I’d really like to hear the other side of this story.”

“How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?”

Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool

Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens.

combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence:

Unfortunately (and here’s where the problem becomes self-defeating), the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So he or she spends less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn’t want in the first place. You’re caught in an u

Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What am I acting like I want?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for my