Vicki T

The traditional African conception of time reminds us that now is a gift in itself — not because it breeds the future, but because it’s all you’ll ever really get.

Let people disapprove. Let them misunderstand. Remain illegible. This is the opposite of shame.

In other words, you no longer devote so many of your hours to being legible to others.

But when you dismiss shame every day, every hour, you do end up feeling lighter and more carefree. You know you will expose who you are but you don’t care. You coax yourself out of tight spots now. You weather nerves with gentleness. You tell bright and loving stories about your foibles and mistakes.

And you need to say to yourself, over and over: Do I like this?

When the answer is No, I really don’t like this , you get to act. You can pause. You can stop speaking. You can remove yourself. You can reflect. You have options.

Instead of moving from one plot point to the next like a doomed antihero, you notice that your shame is shoving you into bad situations you don’t want. You don’t have to choose those paths. There is no moral valence to your actions. Your desires aren’t embarrassing. As long as you’re not harming anyone else, you have full freedom to shape your life... See more

It takes a lot of very hard work to address your shame. To dig it up and look at it and keep digging for more shame under that. Is it worth it?

Yes, it’s beyond worth it. Nothing will change your outlook and your life and the way you feel inside your bones more dramatically.

Life without shame — mostly without shame! — doesn’t make you perfect. It definitely doesn’t make you more attractive. (I’ve been swimming this summer and my hair, Jesus. Yes I wear a cap. I don’t want to talk about it, man.) But life without shame makes you so much happier, so much less anxious no matter what’s happening around you, so much less d... See more

I spend almost no time with people I intuitively don’t like or am bored by, where I used to assume I should ignore those impulses.