Vicki T
@vickisigh
Vicki T
If I had been brave enough to express my hurt directly to her, this might’ve changed. The less honest you are, in my experience, the more you get hurt and fucked with. The more you play politics or protect yourself in passive aggressive or avoidant ways, the more trapped in layers of artifice and confusion your life becomes. Real relationships take... See more
Heather Havrilesky • 'My Friend Is an Asshole!'
Honest conversations can be so helpful for this reason! They make it possible for everyone to learn new things and live in reality better. When you scrape shame and anxiety and defensiveness out of the picture as much as possible, you can encounter honest talk with a friend as a form of very intense SPEED THERAPY. You have to show up and hear how... See more
Heather Havrilesky • 'My Friend Is an Asshole!'
we all have stories that we tell. there’s always 3 stories: your side, their side, and the truth.
But telling rigid stories instead of talking directly isn’t a good habit. You’re like a referee, always making calls arbitrarily without learning more about yourself and your friend. I’m not saying there aren’t some friends that are very hard to speak to honestly and openly. But you still need to know that when something important comes up, you’re... See more
Heather Havrilesky • 'My Friend Is an Asshole!'
like most things in life black/white thinking isn’t useful. learning how to address things as they come up prevents resentment
I think it’s easy to feel paranoid and judged when you feel like you have no option but to keep every friendship alive no matter what. In your mind, if a friendship starts to go very bad, you only have two choices: Fix it, or ghost them. In my opinion, these are control tactics. Instead of admitting that some friends have mixed feelings about us —... See more
'My Friend Is an Asshole!'
learning how to talk about disagreements is important
balance & sacrifice / art & time
youtube.comthinking of the bigger picture
sacrifices are required for creating art to be a priority in one’s life; found oliver burkeman’s concept of “strategic underachievement” really interesting
The traditional African conception of time reminds us that now is a gift in itself — not because it breeds the future, but because it’s all you’ll ever really get.
WE SHOULD ALL BE DOING LESS
Let people disapprove. Let them misunderstand. Remain illegible. This is the opposite of shame.
How to Banish Your Shame
In other words, you no longer devote so many of your hours to being legible to others.
How to Banish Your Shame
But when you dismiss shame every day, every hour, you do end up feeling lighter and more carefree. You know you will expose who you are but you don’t care. You coax yourself out of tight spots now. You weather nerves with gentleness. You tell bright and loving stories about your foibles and mistakes.