Sublime

Step 4: Locate the Leader. It had been Elizabeth’s experience that all social groups—no matter how egalitarian they seemed on the surface—had one person who was, at any given moment, on some deep and perhaps even unconscious level, in charge. A kind of social conductor that the group tacitly elevated.

The study lends credence to a psychological theory called reciprocity theory, which emphasizes that people treat us like we treat them. If we are kind, open, and trusting, people are more likely to respond in kind. Secure people, then, don’t just assume others are trustworthy; they make others trustworthy through their good faith.

extraverts who had larger support networks scored higher on openness to experience (in other words, people who like new challenges) and emotionality

“Richard, you said that you realized that the people who work with you are a ‘goldmine.’ You also said that the details you shared with everyone helped them relax and engage. These are two signposts for what I call an anabolic leader. That’s the opposite of a catabolic leader.”

This knowledge prevents the warm person from being, at points, overfriendly or cheerful. They do not equate friendliness with a relentlessly upbeat tone. They know how much is sad and anxious in everyone. They don’t want to flatter in us ways that could raise the cost of revealing anything more despairing or confused. They leave the door open for a

in large part because he is naturally sociable, deriving pleasure from getting to know customers,

they approach relationships in very different ways.

Third, emotions and behaviors become self-reinforcing: if you smile and then others smile, you are more likely to feel happy and smile. This reflexive quality in human interaction means that a mood or feeling, once generated, is likely to be quite stable.

The gift of this strategy is that she then becomes skillful at sensing the needs of others and providing what’s needed.