# Recovery

Ultimately, trying to control the narrative about my own coolness is like trying to throw a football: I cannot do it.

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My drinking grew from fearing what the Universe had in store for me; Sobriety has been accepting what the Universe has in store for me.

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The idea that I would be ridiculed and teased if I were to reveal bits of myself, the things I liked, the things I thought, the things I was afraid of. I came to believe that the only version of me that was palatable and sale-able to the world at large was the one I was painstakingly constructing and that required the prodigious consumption of... See more

Sobriety has been about finding my true self and identifying the false narratives, and then laughing at the ridiculous grandiosity and general overblown-ness of my fears and feelings.

I am who I am today because of relying on a power greater than myself, attempting rigorous honesty, having sponsors, taking responsibility for my shit, and trying to be of service to others.

If ever I felt that I was showing too much of my real self, I simply drank more. I became the girl I thought I had to be in order to be loved.

Basically I was trying to gather impediments in my mind to pull me back from pushing myself outside my comfort zone.

It takes time and patience and steady pressure to extract the weed, the negative traits, the damaging and self-destructive ways of thinking. That process, by itself, is a profound act of self-acceptance. The next profound act of self-acceptance is understanding that the job will never be completely done, some traits, some thinking patterns that... See more