# Recovery

I remembered that I actually did put this person on a way-too-early amends list, one that I'd thrown together with a few weeks of sobriety and zero program. I put them on the list, not because I did anything to them but because I simply wanted them to like me. In my delusional Dale Carnegie fever dream, I'd win this friend and influence the person... See more

"It lets me be nice to myself, cancel plans, change my mind, be tired, ask for things from other people, and know that I might have different needs from them. By that, other people have different needs from me, and I don't need to feel abandoned by them."

I felt sick in that house all the time because it’s a terrible feeling to be cast in the role of co-conspirator before you’re old enough to choose, or to have any say at all. It makes you feel meaningless and powerless and like you’re part of something secretive and ugly, even if you don’t fully understand what it is.

What other people might think seems like vital information when you have rarely had a felt sense of belonging in the world. I wonder what it's like to just get out of bed, put clothes on, grab your keys, walk out of the house, go to a place, and not think anything of it. Like, not think about any of it. AT ALL.

I got the help I needed. Medication helped turn down the volume on my feelings enough that I could hear my thoughts over them, and made them small enough to get my arms around. I ask myself questions like, “Is this true, and how do I know it?” and say things like, “The problem will be there tomorrow.”

the thing I did that seemed completely impossible at the start was this: I started to live my own life, the one that was meant for me.

I stopped listening to what other people said, I stopped listening to what I imagined people were saying. I stopped listening to the nonsense I said. I started listening to my heart. I stopped pretending and started... See more