# Recovery

Ultimately, trying to control the narrative about my own coolness is like trying to throw a football: I cannot do it.

Accountable people look for solutions, not scapegoats. They blame no one-not even themselves. If a "self-critique" is warranted, they ask QBQs like "What could I have done differently?" and "How can I learn from this experience?

Until I gave up my made-up construct for the life I thought I was supposed to be living, I couldn’t begin to live the life that was actually meant for me. Until I let go of everything not meant for me, what was meant for me couldn’t find me.

But fear is the fire alarm, not the fire. Fear is a response to a perceived threat, not the danger itself. Fear isn’t even always commensurate to the size of the danger. A fire alarm can blare as loud and long for burnt toast as it does for a roaring blaze.

Then, shortly after our daughter Gwen was born, as I understand it goes, my marriage was revealed for what it was. I had a lifelong (and unmanaged) mental health issue, and my husband had an addiction (also unmanaged) to alcohol. Now that we had a baby, we could no longer ignore our unwieldy foundations.

My body knows — has always known — what I want. The feeling of ease and sinking into, yes. This. This feels right.

In sobriety, I am recalling what my body wants.

What I have to tease out in sobriety is what is a nervous feeling for good reason, and what is a nervous feeling from trauma.

The body knows, my favorite Boundaries Coach Molly Davis... See more

What other people might think seems like vital information when you have rarely had a felt sense of belonging in the world. I wonder what it's like to just get out of bed, put clothes on, grab your keys, walk out of the house, go to a place, and not think anything of it. Like, not think about any of it. AT ALL.

I am willing to not know, look stupid, make an ass of myself, get it wrong, be awkward, be uncomfortable.

I am willing to do all that so I CAN BE FREE.