# Recovery

I believe I’ve always been a sensitive, generous, and caring person—but too wound up in my own troubles to express that or to really be there for others

I felt sick in that house all the time because it’s a terrible feeling to be cast in the role of co-conspirator before you’re old enough to choose, or to have any say at all. It makes you feel meaningless and powerless and like you’re part of something secretive and ugly, even if you don’t fully understand what it is.

classic Adult Child of Alcoholics, afraid of conflict and largely focused on the need for everything to be OK

Until I gave up my made-up construct for the life I thought I was supposed to be living, I couldn’t begin to live the life that was actually meant for me. Until I let go of everything not meant for me, what was meant for me couldn’t find me.

Accountable people look for solutions, not scapegoats. They blame no one-not even themselves. If a "self-critique" is warranted, they ask QBQs like "What could I have done differently?" and "How can I learn from this experience?

Then, shortly after our daughter Gwen was born, as I understand it goes, my marriage was revealed for what it was. I had a lifelong (and unmanaged) mental health issue, and my husband had an addiction (also unmanaged) to alcohol. Now that we had a baby, we could no longer ignore our unwieldy foundations.

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I didn’t begin a life of manipulation and deceit to gain anything other than acceptance. I wasn’t trying to trick anyone out of love or money, or really anything tangible, I just wanted to make them happy. I had come to believe this meant adopting a certain persona, trying to become the thing that each and every person needed and loved, even... See more

Ultimately, trying to control the narrative about my own coolness is like trying to throw a football: I cannot do it.

recovering a sense of self and purpose