# Recovery

Drinking helped me be who I thought I needed to be and helped me forget the person I actually was.

I was a shy and anxious kid, consumed by big feelings and perfectionism, neither of which I understood.

I tell them that the Big Book isn’t about getting religion or worshipping anything—it’s simply about recognizing where you really stand in the Universe and answering some very personal questions about how you got here, where you’d like to go and the things that would need to change, to make that possible.

Then, shortly after our daughter Gwen was born, as I understand it goes, my marriage was revealed for what it was. I had a lifelong (and unmanaged) mental health issue, and my husband had an addiction (also unmanaged) to alcohol. Now that we had a baby, we could no longer ignore our unwieldy foundations.

The greatest gift of sobriety is recovering the person I was meant to be and getting to spend time with him.

"Mono means "thing," and aware (pronounced ah-wah-reh) translates to the sensitivity or gentle sadness about the transitory, ephemeral nature of life. It can also mean sensitivity toward things and the nature of life – something that is consciously recognized and accepted with a hint of melancholy or wistfulness."

Then it got more specific:

“This is... See more

You get to be the person you want to be, lead the life you want to lead, when you accept what is.

I drank to avoid: that I have to make myself essential so people won't kick me out or abandon me, that my only value is in how useful or accommodating I can be to other people.