# Recovery

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I didn’t begin a life of manipulation and deceit to gain anything other than acceptance. I wasn’t trying to trick anyone out of love or money, or really anything tangible, I just wanted to make them happy. I had come to believe this meant adopting a certain persona, trying to become the thing that each and every person needed and loved, even... See more

I think I became an alcoholic because I was ashamed of me. I was afraid to be me.

I don’t how shame came to be part of the equation of who I am—but it ran pretty deep. I think that sense of inner shame is pretty common among us alcoholics and addicts; it’s true that drinking and using let us escape other people and external obligations—but it was mostly me that I was running from.

"I was always loved, but I always wondered, also, what that love depended on." (Leslie Jamison, The Recovering)

Sobriety has been about finding my true self and identifying the false narratives, and then laughing at the ridiculous grandiosity and general overblown-ness of my fears and feelings.

I didn’t know how to stop the slow motion accident that was my life.

I am who I am today because of relying on a power greater than myself, attempting rigorous honesty, having sponsors, taking responsibility for my shit, and trying to be of service to others.

Once I started making a little more money and had no access to a till, I went further into debt, never denying myself a thing. I spent my money on clothes, CDs and musical instruments I couldn’t play very well. I was entitled to it all