On love, limerence, and other-significant-others

And so the trick is, can you force yourself to be absolutely unsparingly realistic about what’s actually best for you?

Relational ambivalence is exhausting because it forces us to live in contradictions, unsure of which side to trust.

We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society than our own, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”

A team of psychologists found that the link between authenticity in relationships and relationship satisfaction is very strong. For instance, people who strongly agreed with statements such as “I share my deepest thoughts with my partner even if there’s a chance he/she won’t understand them” reported being particularly happy in their relationships.

Parallel metamorphosis occurs where there is shared investment in the movement of another’s mind. We co-create personal artifacts. A pool of shared references: books, hosted events, ideas, grinning faces on my camera roll. I save the links you send because I admire your taste. I read your words because it’s like hanging out in your brain for a litt... See more

Romantic love finds its most passionate expression in private where only one particular person can “unperplex” the other

And you know, we have all these negative words for long-term commitment now. “Settling” has become a bad thing. But I love that word. Settling down. Settling your nervous system. Because only once you’re settled, can you play.

Ultimately what both sexes need, I think, is a cultural message that it’s okay to depend on each other. We should depend on our partners—to stay, to be faithful, to give support. And from that we can be more independent. Long-term relationships shouldn’t be about losing yourself, but becoming more of who you are.

I know that limerence can be misleading. It can be the beginning of a good relationship, or a complete disaster. If someone feels like the answer to the question of your life, you might want to address the fundamental sense of lack that they are triggering.