Jealousy

Distrust or low self-esteem? Both? What am I afraid of. Why is there such a strong fear?

What’s the difference between intuition and self-sabotage? Why am I afraid that I’ll be wrong with trust, so I’d rather choose the other way? It feels like a safe choice. After all, something could threaten my sense of safety.

I’m afraid I’ll look like an idiot. That I’ll care more about something, that I’ll be capable of giving more, of being fully in it. When did it happen that I started having such PTSD from this?

How can I make peace with the worst-case scenario and trust myself that I’ll be okay, even if it hurts me? But it doesn’t have to happen. When I predict it, I assume it just in case—and then I drag it into reality myself.

I’m just afraid of being clueless. Naive.

Is it about control? I don’t have control over this. When I was alone, even when I was hurting myself, I had control over it. Control over my own self-destruction. Suddenly I feel that someone else has my heart in their hands—how I can feel. I don’t have control over that.

It requires more grounding and letting go—not everything is in my hands.

Changeability doesn’t bother me—but maybe I’ve realized that only when I’m the one causing it, predicting it, managing it. Everything can change in a minute. How can I be okay with that? How is a person supposed to accept that something can be here for years and then suddenly be gone? That today I’m smiling, and from tomorrow on I could cry every day?

How is a person supposed to withstand life? And how do you do that when you’re so aware of its traps?

Sometimes reality is too raw. I understand why we want to believe in something more. At the same time, we have a unique ability to color it however we want, to create filters and perspectives. Sometimes I manage that well, sometimes I’m extremely harsh. Maybe reality is somewhere in the middle. When I see things through a rosy lens, I catch myself thinking—sure, you feel good, you see beautiful things, and you reshape the ugly ones so they serve you, but you’re still just wearing glasses—it’s somewhat fake, maybe it’s entirely different. Part of it is true—there are millions of filters of consciousness, illusions of truth. I know so little about the world that I can’t even take for granted the way I perceive it with my own eyes. Nothing is certain.

That brings me back to the original thought. Why am I jealous? Probably because of insecurity—not so much from another person, but from not having fully made peace with the fact that so many things are outside of my control.

I still haven’t relaxed into the reins of life. I’ve done it a few times before, I know I can. Control over what I can influence eases the fear of lacking control over what I cannot influence (like someone else’s behavior). I need to take more control over my own life, over the things I can.

Everything is so interconnected. I need to devote myself to my dreams, work, build better habits, and step out of this vacation mode. To root myself more in my own autonomy so it won’t feel so terrifying when I can’t influence other things. Now I know why I’m so jealous.