context is everything

To find a good relationship, you do not start by saying, “I want a relationship that looks like this”—that would be starting in the wrong end, by defining form. Instead you say, “I’m just going to pay attention to what happens when I hang out with various people and iterate toward something that feels alive”—you start from the context.

what you want is some process that allows you to extract information from the context, and bake it into the form. That is what unfolding is.

When you design something, a useful definition of success is precisely that— the form fits the context —as Christopher Alexander argued in Notes on a Synthesis of Form (1964). This is true of relationships, and essays, and careers: you want to find something that fits .

• A glove is well-designed if it fits the hand nicely.


• A relationship is healthy if

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