Unpacking ‘The Secret Life of Secrets’

While privacy strengthens all our bonds, secrecy weakens and damages connection. Lerner points out that we do not usually “know the emotional costs of keeping a secret” until the truth is disclosed. Usually, secrecy involves lying. And lying is always the setting for potential betrayal and violation of trust.

The moment we knowingly conceal information from others we set a boundary between ourselves and those who do not possess the knowledge. This boundary provides us with a space of privacy and privilege. It can be used to shield us from pain and protect us from harm. Or it can act as a barrier, built to exclude and oppress those deemed unworthy of acc

He had come to realize that excavation is not a solitary activity. It’s by sharing our griefs with others, and thinking together about what they mean, that we learn to overcome fear and know each other at the deepest level. “What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we a

In our culture privacy is often confused with secrecy. Open, honest, truth-telling individuals value privacy. We all need spaces where we can be alone with thoughts and feelings—where we can experience healthy psychological autonomy and can choose to share when we want to. Keeping secrets is usually about power, about hiding and concealing informat

And just as we’ve seen others hide something from us, we have felt the surge of fear and adrenaline when we scramble to hide what others aren’t meant to see. These are the toxic effects of secrecy.

Second is risk aversion. People are scared of secrets because they are scared of being wrong. By definition, a secret hasn’t been vetted by the mainstream. If your goal is to never make a mistake in your life, you shouldn’t look for secrets. The prospect of being lonely but right—dedicating your life to something that no one else believes in—is alr

Pseudosecrets allow people to:

1. Feel like they know a secret about your company (Even better if you can make an investor think they figured this out themselves vs. being told).


2. Be able to combat doubters in a way that feels intellectually dominant and non-obvious.


3. Paint a narrative that makes the upside future that you believe in feel closer to a rea