Talking about friendship with Heather Havrilesky

intimacy with others necessarily includes facing yourself, reckoning with what you truly desire, humbling yourself, noticing your bad habits, and observing your defense mechanisms. You have to be able to admit the many, many ways you fuck up and blame others and distance yourself every day in order to be a good friend to another flawed human being.... See more

I want to invent new paths forward every day. And I want to make people feel their way to the truth. I want to rearrange their hearts using my words. I want to redesign their minds -- artfully and thoughtfully and inventively. When I give that gift to someone else, I receive it, too. It’s the absolute best. It’s not easy but it never gets old.

At the center of living without shame and fear is a spirit of surrender. You surrender to the moment, you surrender to the day. You put away every puzzle and you step outside to soak in the springtime air and give your love generously.

That sharp turn away from blaming others happens once you finally address your shame. Shame is something everyone has, thanks to our shame-ruled, shame-dispensing culture, but some people obviously have it worse than others. I’ve always been massively ashamed and self-hating, and for a long time, even in Ask Polly, I described shame as a thing you ... See more

The questions in every intimate relationship and close friendship are the same: Can you see this person clearly? Will you let them see you clearly? Are you too afraid? Are you too ashamed? Can you feel your feelings? Can you dare to let someone into your heart and trust them? Can this person let you in, or are they secretly terrified?

Around 2019, my focus shifted from asking “who’s fucking with me?” to asking “how do I continue to fuck with myself?” Once you finally break away from seeing other people your most important puzzle to solve, then I think you can move on to more interesting puzzles, and eventually you put the puzzles on a high shelf, breathe in the air, and savor yo... See more