“There’re lots of conflicts that don’t have solutions,” Stanley told me. “But when everyone feels in control, the conflict sometimes just fades away.

Questions about facts (“Where do you live?” “What college did you attend?”) are often conversational dead-ends. They don’t draw out values or experiences. They don’t invite vulnerability.

The soccer teams were deliberately structured to give players roles that nudged them to think about identities beyond religion.

“Happy couples slow down the fight,” said Karney. “They exert a lot more self-control and self-awareness.”

The goal is showing that the aim of this conversation is not winning, but understanding.

that influence was almost invisible.

There’s a technique for this—looping for understanding. Here’s how it works: Ask questions, to make sure you understand what someone has said. Repeat back, in your own words, what you heard. Ask if you got it right. Continue until everyone agrees we understand.

We exhibit emotional intelligence by showing people that we’ve heard their emotions—and the way we do that is by noticing, and then matching, their mood and energy. Mood and energy are nonlinguistic tools for creating emotional connection.

A What’s This Really About? conversation often occurs at the start of a discussion, and so we’re well served to do a bit of prep work before a dialogue begins.