vulnerability, and become vulnerable in return, we build trust, understanding, and connection. If you choose to embrace the How Do We Feel? conversation, you are harnessing a neurochemical process that powers our most important relationships.

Asking permission. “Would it be okay if I told you how your words affect me?” or “Would you mind if I shared something from my own life?” or “Can I share how I’ve seen others handle this?”

he explained, had created an atmosphere of trust.

Science has provided guidance: Ask others about their beliefs and values. Ask them about experiences and those moments that caused them to change. Ask how they feel, rather than about facts. Reframe your questions so they are deeper. Ask follow-ups. And as people expose their vulnerabilities, reveal something about yourself. It will be less

The aim is not to say the exact right thing, or to arrive at the perfect insight. Perfection can’t be the goal, “because if you’re trying to say the perfect thing, nothing authentic is going to happen,” he said. “The goal is staying in the conversation, finding space for messy learning and supporting each other.”

The final reason this experiment worked is the same reason a Who Are We? conversation, if it goes well, succeeds: It allowed the players to form new in-groups, to establish social identities they had in common. And those in-groups were powerful because they built on identities that players already possessed.

People don’t announce their emotions. They perform them.

However, those same inquiries, recast slightly (“What do you like about where you live?” “What was your favorite part of college?”), invite others to share their preferences, beliefs, and values, and to describe experiences that caused them to grow or change. Those questions make emotional replies easier, and they practically beg the questioner to

We laugh, in other words, to show someone that we want to connect with them—and our companions laugh back to demonstrate they want to connect with us, as well. This is the same kind of reciprocity that powers the Fast Friends Procedure. It’s an example of emotional contagion.