Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

looping for understanding.[*]

And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right.

They haven’t discussed the deeper topics—the emotional issues—that are inflaming the dispute.

When we make it clear to others that we are trying to hear their emotions, when we genuinely try to match or acknowledge their moods and energy, we begin to reciprocate and entrain. We bond. But what

He would ask questions designed to assess their emotional expressiveness: When had they been happiest? Had they ever been depressed? He would pay close attention to their body language and facial expressions as they responded, note when their postures seemed to tense up or relax. Did it seem like they were inviting him in? Were they showing him the

and the way we do that is by noticing, and then matching, their mood and energy.

We exhibit emotional intelligence by showing people that we’ve heard their emotions—and

people who ask lots of questions during conversations—particularly questions that invite vulnerable responses—are more popular among their peers and more often seen as leaders.

We all want to have meaningful conversations.