no one is perfect. Safe people will at times stumble and be “unsafe” for, after all, they are sinners too. So do not expect perfection.

Instead, when you are measuring someone’s character, look at these traits in terms of degree. Everyone lies at some time or in some way. But not everyone is a pathological liar. Look for degrees of imperfection.

Envy is very different from need. When we need something from someone else, that person is free to say no to our request.

If you want to know how safe someone is, ask yourself: Is this person with me for him—or for us?

Safe people, for example, admit their weaknesses. They are humble. And they prove their trustworthiness over time.

The “weak” one may try to be the “strong” one in some other relationships to compensate for her lack of strength in this relationship. Instead of suffering through only one bad relationship, she may end up with several unbalanced, unsafe relationships. She would do better to balance elements of strength and weakness in each of her relationships.

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers, because they see themselves as somehow “above all of that.” This “I’m better than you” dynamic produces a lot of shame and guilt in people who are associated with this type of unsafe person.

God does not use religious terms and language when he discusses people. He talks about how people treat him and others, and whether or not they get things done as they said they would. In short, he looks at someone’s character. He is looking at their makeup as a person and the way that that character interacts with him and the world.

It’s simply impossible to connect if you are not free to disagree. That kind of love is compliance and people-pleasing. It is not real love.