Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't

The “weak” one may try to be the “strong” one in some other relationships to compensate for her lack of strength in this relationship. Instead of suffering through only one bad relationship, she may end up with several unbalanced, unsafe relationships. She would do better to balance elements of strength and weakness in each of her relationships.

It significantly blocks intimacy because the two people are never on “even ground,” which is where human intimacy takes place.

He knew that he had to be connected somewhere, grounded somewhere, since everything in his life had disappeared. All

Instead, when you are measuring someone’s character, look at these traits in terms of degree. Everyone lies at some time or in some way. But not everyone is a pathological liar. Look for degrees of imperfection.

2. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.

Envy makes generosity sound unfair. It is the opposite of love, which “does not envy . . . but rejoices with the truth” (1 Cor. 13:4, 6).

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers, because they see themselves as somehow “above all of that.” This “I’m better than you” dynamic produces a lot of shame and guilt in people who are associated with this type of unsafe person.

Safe people respect our right to make decisions and adult choices. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning. They “don’t agree with our right” to an opinion, a value, or a decision. Unsafe people react to our adultness by withdrawing from it.

Repentant people will recognize a wrong and really want to change because they do not want to be that kind of person. They are motivated by love to not hurt anyone like that again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to holiness and change, and their behavior matters to them.