“You’ve meant a lot to me. Help me know what you need, and what part I can play with my own resources.”

Repentant people will recognize a wrong and really want to change because they do not want to be that kind of person. They are motivated by love to not hurt anyone like that again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to holiness and change, and their behavior matters to them.

That’s how envy can spoil safety. Envy makes us resent people who have something we don’t have. It feeds on itself and is ultimately self-destructive. When we envy, the very people who are loving, safe, and generous become the bad guys in our eyes.

In safe relationships, empathy is a large part of the equation. We literally “enter the other person’s head” and attempt to understand how he feels, what he believes, and how he thinks. Empathy is walking in the moccasins of another person, and not judging him until we can see what suffering he’s been through to get to the point he’s at. Empathy is

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow sinners and strugglers, because they see themselves as somehow “above all of that.” This “I’m better than you” dynamic produces a lot of shame and guilt in people who are associated with this type of unsafe person.

If you want to know how safe someone is, ask yourself: Is this person with me for him—or for us?

Feeling disconnected. Intimacy is built on sharing weaknesses, and friendship involves sharing vulnerabilities.

When you evaluate your relationships, look for people who show genuine concern for your welfare, then make that concern known in concrete actions.

Repentant people will recognize a wrong and really want to change because they do not want to be that kind of person. They are motivated by love to not hurt anyone like that again. These are trustworthy people because they are on the road to holiness and change, and their behavior matters to them.