Romancing the Shadow

Unlike Demeter-style time, whose seasonal, organic cycles have a natural rhythm and serve as our ally, Cronos-style time is mechanical and contrived; it creates a life of busyness and devours its subjects, so that it comes to feel like an enemy, even like the Grim Reaper himself.

Some people live their entire lives within a ten-mile radius of their family homes. Internally, too, they remain in position in the family constellation, forever the provider, the dutiful child, the critical outsider, or the family scapegoat. Unable or unwilling to examine family sins, these people pass them on with the family jewels.

Archetypal psychologist James Hillman points out that betrayal can be seen as a necessary turning point that permits an individual to move out of a childlike state of naïve trust and innocence into an awareness of the complexity of every human being, including the dark side.

It is impossible to maintain a child’s innocence according to a standard of perfect parenting—that is, the parent cannot meet the child’s longing for love, desire for safety, and needs for mirroring at every given moment. The parent, whose soul has been wounded, is bound to fail. From the point of view of the child’s soul, the betrayal is inevitabl

In order to pursue her dream of a committed relationship, Bonnie needed to find a place at the table for the assassin, the protector of her vulnerability and independence. She needed a way of relating to this character so that it would not push away the very men she might truly desire. Eventually, she found the gold in her dark side when she realiz

Poet Robert Bly has also explored a version of this pattern, which he calls the “naïve male” and identifies by several traits: The man assumes that others are sincere and fair, without seeing their shadows. With this kind of blindness, he has special, prized relationships only with certain people. In addition, he may be passive in relationships, no

The shadow blurts out in slips of the tongue. When, like the archetypal Fool, we make embarrassing misstatements, the shadow slides past the gates of consciousness momentarily and reveals unintentional feelings or thoughts, such as sexual innuendo, sarcasm, or cruelty. Caught with our masks down, we smile in embarrassment. For instance, in describi

Eventually, they may develop a shame complex, becoming sensitive to rejection, eager to accept blame, and hungry for acceptance and approval At the level of soul they feel unworthy, debased, and unlovable, anxiously anticipating the next shaming moment. At the center of the complex sits an archetypal image: a worm, a termite, a dark spot or glob of

As wounded children themselves, our parents defend against the return of their own difficult, buried feelings when they are stimulated by a child’s natural spontaneity, raw emotion, and eroticism. As their defenses flounder, the parents often protect themselves by unknowingly judging and condemning their young ones through shame and rejection.