
Saved by anna and
Maybe You’re Not Actually Trying
Saved by anna and
I never have really tried to actually give art a go, because I’ve always been too scared of failing and not able to deal with my expectations of perfection not being met.
Stepping towards this would bring on a whole other string of issues, like when the clown pull out the handkerchief, and then it just keeps going and going.
Im noticing that when each year passes, the feeling of deep regret is incrementally inflating inside my stomach - slowly spreading like a noxious gas that might take over my whole body and eventually ill retch the creativity out of me. The source of this regret is the idea that I could go my whole life without actualising any of my creative endeavours with my full, unrestrained devotion.
And what hurts even more is that I go on living my life in denial of what I actually want to pursue all because of something as trivial as the internalised fear of failing.
I get this feeling deep in my gut when I am doing well. This cannot last; this cannot be. Because that first time I lost the good feeling was devastating and scary. Now I bring my fear to the table too every time I feel safe.
I used to be so obsessed with consistency. I would beat myself up to mediate every day or do yoga or go running or journal or whatever it was at that time I thought I needed to do. It felt like I was really working hard on getting better. So I thought the struggle would mean that I was doing my best.
But being so fucking hard on myself is one of my main problems. And I wondered why this didn't help?
With the knowledge I now have I realize that all of these things ARE helpful. But the way they are actually useful to me is if I reflect on WHAT I really need in that moment. It helps if I journal when I notice that the thoughts in my head could use a little bit of sorting through them. It helps when I exercise when my body actually wants to move.