Teach children how to bootstrap their own program, so that they can be individually conscious. The tension that we have described between culture and consciousness has an analog during development. Trying to teach children precisely how to be adults, by inculcating them solely with the cultural rules that have come before, will fail. In a world of

if children are going to become adults who can make their own decisions and pay attention, they need to experience increasing levels of freedom and independence throughout their childhood.

Children need time to become themselves—through play and social interaction. If you overwhelm a child with stuff—with choices and pseudochoices—before they are ready, they will only know one emotional gesture: “More!”

I’m not saying parents should leave toddlers to climb on tables. I’m saying there shouldn’t be a rule that there’s no climbing on tables. Instead, figure out how to make the table safe. Find something else for the kid to climb on. If you really don’t want them on the table, keep the chairs away. I’ll have a lot more to say about alternatives to

Parents, too, must understand not to use force on the children in their care. Gentle guidance should be enough, preferably so that they are unaware of being guided. Children as well as adults need to feel that they have their future in their own hands. Only then are they able to listen to advice wholeheartedly, and follow them without frustration