Sublime

But a moment’s reflection shows that the widespread use of porn—and the search and views data that comes with it—is the most important development in our ability to understand human sexuality in, well . . . Actually, it’s probably the most important ever.

Much of the research on pornography has been normative; it has assumed that the only healthy form of sexuality is vanilla sex (that is, not kinky) between monogamous couple-based partners for reasons beyond simply pleasure.

To enjoy a free sexuality, you need to come to terms with the body you are living in, unless you want to wait until you lose twenty pounds, which could take forever. Or until you look younger—don’t hold your breath. Do remember: your sexiness is about how you feel, not how you look.

We are deeply into sex, but at the same time, deeply at odds with it, often misunderstanding our own urges, needs, and desires. We judge our sexual longings, we curtail our desires, and we cut ourselves off from all that it affords us. We convince ourselves that we just don’t need it or want it. This is a problem that speaks to an unhappiness at ou