relationships

[b]eing trapped in protocols dictated by a functional-yet-suboptimal system feels eerily calm, yet unsatisfying. Everything works, sort of, but participants feel a curious lack of fulfillment. (Remember that protocols are designed to accomplish a function, but not a purpose.

It should raise a few questions that, if the comments on attachment theory Tik-Tok videos and Instagram hashtags are any guide, the majority of the theory’s aficionados are — it cries for acknowledgement — self-diagnosed anxiouses who found out about attachment theory in the first place because they were anxiety-googling why their crush isn’t... See more

Sex is weird and disgusting and ridiculous and quite often abused and weaponized and traumatic. But I like it. I like what it can be and sometimes what it is. Sometimes I think it might hold the secrets to almost everything. ... Sometimes it’s just nice to hold someone while they cum, kissing their earlobe and whispering to them yes .

What these fears come down to is a deep false belief that we have to give ourselves up to be loved and to be seen as a caring person. Giving yourself up - giving up your freedom to be yourself and do what brings you joy - is a terrifying prospect. As long as we have these false beliefs - and they might be unconscious - we will likely find ourselves... See more

Literature allows us to name the world by giving us new phrases, new characters, new words. Poets like Chaucer and Shakespeare coined hundreds of new words. So many of their phrases are still used in common speech. They named all sorts of things for us. And by using those names, we expand what we can understand about the world.

The incentives of dating apps actively discourage building algorithms that show compatible matches, since finding a compatible match means you no longer need their product. You really are put in a room with total strangers, most likely the wrong kind, instead of those with similar interests and values. If you met the right stranger, you’d hit it... See more

Several studies have found that an individual’s attachment style with romantic partners is not congruent with their attachment style with their parents, a finding consistent with the many other studies that suggest people have different attachment styles in different relationships. The idea that all relationships can be explained through a set of... See more

Crushers, the point is, indulge in a funny kind of transference of agency. They appear to prostrate themselves. They gift total power to their crush, invest them with celestial kinds of significance. Your crush, it is tempting to think, could fix you. But in reality, they hoard power. All this wanting exists in their desire. They are unwilling or... See more

. . . the match [is] not always or primarily instrumental to getting a date but rather as producing a form of satisfaction in its own right. [. . .] A match feels like a confidence-boost; it is a sign that the Other sees you and likes you [. . . ]. Admittedly, it is ephemeral, but it is also replicable, so the sense of void that follows the... See more