Quieting My Mind

Can I ask—when you catch yourself yearning for the chaos or the old laughter, what do you usually do in that moment? Do you sit with it, distract yourself, or try to reach out?

Honestly, I just let myself feel the pain and the grief because it essentially is similar to actually losing somebody in your life. You're not seeing this person hardly ever. But it goes back to what I was saying too with me being at peace, feeling comfortable and still and almost stagnant in a way. Because when you are recommending ideas of creating chaos on my own, like doing something spontaneous, that makes me anxious doing something on my own. If I'm there with somebody, I feel security. But on my own, I feel very unsafe. And it's not that I don't trust myself. If anything, I trust myself more when I'm around other people, because now I feel like I have to think for myself and the other person. So in that way, I know that I'm making ultimately the best decision for myself and the other person. But for me, spontaneous nights and laughter that I miss is being on campus, going to somebody's dorm or walking around campus and ending up somewhere we probably shouldn't be, talking to new people, making new inside jokes with each other, getting ready to go absolutely nowhere just to take videos and post it on Instagram. Her telling me these bullshit stories about these boys and I just sit there and listen. Giving her my advice, knowing that she was never going to take it to begin with. Being in each other's closets, waiting on each other after class, having a space that I can be at where it's not only my room, I can go to her room. Eating together, walking together. And I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for where I am now, but being home, I don't have that same freedom in a sense. And even when the opportunity is presented, I'm kind of more reserved and not willing to make memories on that level because to me, it just feels like it won't be the same. And I feel guilty for not allowing myself to create new memories with other friends. I can't just sit in this space and not allow myself to do something new. I can't just sit in this space and not allow myself to do something new. Also, when I think about these memories, I think about how I was feeling at this moment in time where I felt so alone. I had all of these opportunities around me, and I still felt alone. I still felt like our friendship was so surface-level in so many different ways. I think that's what hurts the most, because when I really needed her, she was not there for me. But if the littlest thing were to happen, she's sending me 15 voice notes, and I'm listening to every single one of them, dissecting every last thing that she's saying. Because that's the type of friend that I am. So I know in a way I'm not losing anything, I'm not missing out on anything regarding that friendship. It just hurts, and I do miss the memories that were created. I miss the humor, I miss the inside jokes, I miss the codenames we gave people. I miss that. But also, I need to know and understand that we're in our third year, and what we were doing on campus, our first and second year, wouldn't even be the reality of our third year, kind of, because, I don't know, I'm kind of making excuses, but it's not the same being in your third year, because you're forced to live off campus. But she was the one to force me to go out to events, because she wanted to go to these events, and we were just a dynamic duo. And I know if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't be going out. Similar to now, where I'm just chilling and kicking it by myself, anxious just from the thought of going to something alone, or even going to something with new-formed friendships. I need something secure, but I don't have that security.

1. Drive from scarcity vs. drive from vision

Almost a year ago I was based in a survival mindset, which pushed me to go out and get a job (which i hated) but now i’m in a different arena. shifting from desperation “I’ll work so I don’t go broke” to “I’ll work because I see who I want to become and what excites me.” That’s scarier in some ways because it requires imagination and persistence but this is the vision based drive I’m currently in.

2. The guilt loop

Guilt is wasted energy of the mind, transform instead of letting it spiral into self-punishment. Treat it like a dashboard light in your car: “Okay, something’s off—let me adjust my actions today, not hate myself for yesterday.” Take tiny steps toward your goal

3. Creating artificial hunger

This method didn’t work because i’m not in fight or flight. try other methods like seeking mentorship, telling someone about an idea so they can hold me accountable, create a deadline