non-coercion

‘"Shoulds" are anger directed inwards at yourself, which is why ...,

When I work with people navigating depression, here is the common pattern: They’re constantly beating themselves up. “I should go outside.” “I should work harder.” “I shouldn't be depressed.” "Shoulds" are anger directed inwards at yourself, which is why ... 🧵

A term I saw on Twitter is “self-coercion.” I assume this means any time you make yourself do something you don’t want to do - the teeth gritted, white knuckle approach.

It would be extremely childish to imagine it was never necessary to do this. Sometimes we have to buckle down and do things which we would rather not.

BUT it should not be your prima... See more

We are told that to live a good life, we must earn it. So many of us have been taught to chase perfection our whole lives - We should work harder - We should manage ourselves better - We should improve to become our highest selves But the problem with "shoulds" is... ↓

4/ You follow what you think you SHOULD do rather than what you want to do But when someone tries to force you to do something, your nature is to resist. This is true even when you try to force yourself with “shoulds” and “have tos.”

For most of my life, my decisions were driven by invisible shoulds which manifested as ambivalence. It’s not that I felt like I had no agency over my life, but I often felt indecisive at the trailhead of a big decision. I simply did not know myself well enough to make informed decisions on my own behalf. When I found myself at crossroads, it was ea... See more