joke fuel

It’s odd to me how the en-dash is left out in some text editors. One dash (-) is a hyphen, two dashes (–) is an en-dash, and three dashes (—) is an em-dash. You would think that by hitting the - symbol multiple times, you can get the dash you’re looking for. Substack (and other editors) give you an em-dash with only 2 clicks, and 3 clicks gives you

As an editor, it’s a good idea to reserve “Fuck!” and “Amen” (the profane and sacred words) once per essay, at the moment something really hits or connects.

The excess of desserts at parties is a symbol of over-politeness. The fear of rudeness by not bringing something means there are high-fat leftovers that throw off nutrition goals for a week.

Watching the Black Eyed Pease perform at Ultra in Miami in 2009 was a low point in my life (around the same time I dropped my finance major and reconsidered my life and forged who I am today). Wil.I.Am is like a modern Heironymous Bosch painting, a warning of what hell is like.

I’m nervous to try mushrooms and have a bad trip, so I thought maybe I should try them on my birthday, the happiest day of the year, but then I realize it’s also the one day every year where everyone in my life calls me to talk for 3 minutes, which is lovely on a normal day, but difficult on three dried grams when you can’t form words.

Calling someone an “egg shell,” “egg head,” or “hollow egg.”

Perhaps the weirdest research rabbit hole of my year: analyzing the shit of different African animals that existed at he time of Homo Habilis (1-3 million years ago). I’m doing a critique of the “Stoned Ape Theory.” Basically, psilocybin grows in the dung of large herbivores. Their shit has high moisture content (+80%) and is nutrient rich (because

Did not expect Jerry Seinfeld to be promoting transcendental meditation.

We Earthlings do weird things to celebrate holidays. For Christmas we cut down all the evergreen trees. For Thanksgiving we genocide the turkeys. For Easter we take perfectly fine eggs and crack them against each other in competitive brackets. I just don't understand; on Earth Day why don’t we burn garbage in back yards and dump poison in the river

The bullet journal cult…