Humor

Having a daughter is like having a broke best friend who thinks you're rich.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

I left the house lookin’ like a bag of smashed crabs.

Arguing with a Trump supporter is like playing chess with a pigeon. They knock over the pieces, shit on the board, then strut around like they won.

Sorry I slapped you, but it didn't seem like you'd ever stop talking and I panicked.

On Trump: “If someone close to you behaved this way, you would desperately try to get them psychiatric help.”

My plan to be positive today is off to a fucking shitty start.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.