Humor

I left the house lookin’ like a bag of smashed crabs.

Arguing with a Trump supporter is like playing chess with a pigeon. They knock over the pieces, shit on the board, then strut around like they won.

You call it OCD. I call it put the shit back where you found it.

My plan to be positive today is off to a fucking shitty start.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

Her housekeeping style is best described as "There appears to have been a struggle”.

Sorry I slapped you, but it didn't seem like you'd ever stop talking and I panicked.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals:

1. Going to bed early

2. Not leaving my house

3. Not going to a party

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

On Trump: “If someone close to you behaved this way, you would desperately try to get them psychiatric help.”