figuring out friendship

But we didn’t set out to become friends. We set out to write together and see where it goes. What I learned writing this book is every friendship needs an “about,” and our “about” was so clear and so compelling from the jump.

To me, the ideal hangout has a few components: spontaneity, purposelessness, and a willingness among all parties involved to go wherever the conversation leads them.

Fitness and socializing have long been combined. Country clubs, whose original facilities included tennis courts, polo fields, racetracks, and baseball diamonds, were an important part of the American social scene in the 20th century. And local sports leagues and clubs have long filled the gaps left by the decline in other kinds of social groups.

Scholars who study social networks have attempted to classify the strata of friendship. “Best,” “close,” “good,” “casual” and “acquaintance” is one taxonomy they use. “Support clique,” “sympathy group,” “friendship group,” “clansmen” and “acquaintances” is another. These scholars have imagined friend networks as a pyramid, with close friends and fa... See more

I asked her for advice on making new friends, and she told me something a “friendship mentor” once told her: “Make the first move, and make the second move, too.” That means you sometimes have to ask a friend target out twice in a row—a strategy I had thought was gauche.

Medium friends are genuine friends. You share history (such as the same alma mater), circumstances (an employer) or interests (rude jokes, the royals, thrifting or squash). Medium friends make you laugh, bring news, offer insights or expertise. But, unlike the closest friends, medium friends test the limits of your time, love and energy. There are ... See more

Like many millennials, Ury is experiencing what’s becoming an aspirational lifestyle: living within walking distance of close friends. As more people work remotely, friends, rather than offices, are becoming the central compass around which people are seeking to orient their lives. Online, friendship is having a big moment: Videos on social media a... See more

A 2012 Wharton study found that millennials rank friendship as one of the greatest determinants of success in life, second only to health. And it makes sense: As millennials are increasingly delaying marriage and children, their relationships with friends play a more important role in their lives. It was millennials, after all, who popularized Frie... See more

A recent study out of the University of Kansas found that it takes about 50 hours of socializing to go from acquaintance to casual friend, an additional 40 hours to become a “real” friend, and a total of 200 hours to become a close friend.

As with all things rooted in a group, group chats necessarily exclude even more than they include. All this whispering in digital ears requires someone — most of the world, in fact — to be on the outside. In one group chat I’m part of, members all had to approve the addition of a friend, because the dynamic had become so fixed that no one wanted to... See more