figuring out friendship

A recent study out of the University of Kansas found that it takes about 50 hours of socializing to go from acquaintance to casual friend, an additional 40 hours to become a “real” friend, and a total of 200 hours to become a close friend.

Fitness and socializing have long been combined. Country clubs, whose original facilities included tennis courts, polo fields, racetracks, and baseball diamonds, were an important part of the American social scene in the 20th century. And local sports leagues and clubs have long filled the gaps left by the decline in other kinds of social groups.

I asked her for advice on making new friends, and she told me something a “friendship mentor” once told her: “Make the first move, and make the second move, too.” That means you sometimes have to ask a friend target out twice in a row—a strategy I had thought was gauche.

The term, which was coined by the sociologist Ray Oldenburg in the 1980s, essentially refers to a physical location other than work or home where there’s little to no financial barrier to entry and where conversation is the primary activity. The historical examples that Oldenburg cites in his book The Great Good Place include French cafés, German A... See more

To me, the ideal hangout has a few components: spontaneity, purposelessness, and a willingness among all parties involved to go wherever the conversation leads them.

But we didn’t set out to become friends. We set out to write together and see where it goes. What I learned writing this book is every friendship needs an “about,” and our “about” was so clear and so compelling from the jump.

Like many millennials, Ury is experiencing what’s becoming an aspirational lifestyle: living within walking distance of close friends. As more people work remotely, friends, rather than offices, are becoming the central compass around which people are seeking to orient their lives. Online, friendship is having a big moment: Videos on social media a... See more

In her book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center, journalist Rhaina Cohen details our historically recent obsession with marriage as the be-all, end-all, noting how many modern wedding ceremonies include spouses proclaiming that they are each other’s “best friends.” Indeed, many women told me that they felt ... See more

In his 2001 book, Women and Men as Friends: Relationships Across the Life Span in the 21st Century , psychologist Michael Monsour argues that cross-sex friendships enrich our social networks, something one of the women who love guy friends I spoke to referred to as “inter-gendered stretching.” I could see proof of this even in my young children. Th... See more