Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

Expectations fall short of reality when: Someone says they hate a movie/book/song that you love. You put a ton of effort into something that ends up flopping. You learn that you’re the last person to find out about a shocking family secret. Some of your foundational beliefs are challenged in a way you aren’t prepared for. You get caught doing somet

HOW TO STOP ANXIETY FROM DERAILING YOUR DISAGREEMENT When you notice anxiety, pause and ask yourself: are you anxious about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful? Ask the other party the same question. Do they give the same answer or something different? Narrate out loud what each of you is anxious about (this buys more time and slows

How can I know if these answers are really serving my best interests? What would happen if I did nothing?

listen to whatever voice is in your head for a moment and try to determine if this is a voice of power, reason, avoidance, or possibility. Then ask it some questions: What’s urgent right now? What’s threatening right now? What could I be doing right now instead of this?

Disagreements about information are by far the simplest conflicts to resolve, because there’s a source of truth out there, somewhere within reach.

FIRST THING TO TRY Watch how anxiety sparks Anxiety sparks when a perspective we value bumps into another perspective that challenges it in some way. If we find this new perspective to be unacceptable, that’s when our “Someone is wrong on the internet; I must correct them!” impulse leaps into action. When anxiety sparks—poof!—it’s like a little anx

Many more arguments than we’re usually willing to admit are about personal preferences (why was I putting work above family?) and/or about strategy and pragmatism (was leaving Niko home alone the best option in this particular situation?). By holding on to the easy, information-based conflict, I exacerbated the other two kinds of conflict. I believ

If we pay more attention to how we talk to ourselves, we’ll see that the thoughts and feelings that flow naturally from the spark of anxiety are only our internal voices and not the final say on what we absolutely need to think and feel.

Eventually, the voice of avoidance becomes as accountable as any of the others, but that accountability is a bit delayed. It’s just a different way of optimizing for short-term results.