Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

The amount of anxiety we feel about a position impacts our impression of the person holding the view that caused it. In discussing highly polarizing issues, we will sometimes demonize people who claim to hold a view that we believe is truly unacceptable.

listen to whatever voice is in your head for a moment and try to determine if this is a voice of power, reason, avoidance, or possibility. Then ask it some questions: What’s urgent right now? What’s threatening right now? What could I be doing right now instead of this?

HOW TO STOP ANXIETY FROM DERAILING YOUR DISAGREEMENT When you notice anxiety, pause and ask yourself: are you anxious about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful? Ask the other party the same question. Do they give the same answer or something different? Narrate out loud what each of you is anxious about (this buys more time and slows

MISCONCEPTION 1 Arguments Are Bad They’re not bad, but they can be unproductive. We aren’t taught how to argue productively.

Often we notice the emotional buildup and push it back down, waiting for a better time or telling ourselves that it’s not worth our energy. And we advise others to pick their battles wisely, doing everything they can to keep the peace. But if we make a habit of pushing the frustration too far down, sometimes we begin to believe we’re at fault for b

Many more arguments than we’re usually willing to admit are about personal preferences (why was I putting work above family?) and/or about strategy and pragmatism (was leaving Niko home alone the best option in this particular situation?). By holding on to the easy, information-based conflict, I exacerbated the other two kinds of conflict. I believ

Eventually, the voice of avoidance becomes as accountable as any of the others, but that accountability is a bit delayed. It’s just a different way of optimizing for short-term results.

If you both settle on a question about what is true, you can ask: Is there a source of information we both trust that could give us the answer to this question? What qualifies as a trustworthy source?

Disagreements about information are by far the simplest conflicts to resolve, because there’s a source of truth out there, somewhere within reach.