Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement

This practice of “self-talk” isn’t a sign of mental health problems, despite some associations you might have with the idea of “voices in your head.” We all have these voices. Talking to ourselves is perfectly normal, and everyone does it without thinking twice about it. It’s when we stop thinking the voices are coming from parts of ourselves and i

FIRST THING TO TRY Watch how anxiety sparks Anxiety sparks when a perspective we value bumps into another perspective that challenges it in some way. If we find this new perspective to be unacceptable, that’s when our “Someone is wrong on the internet; I must correct them!” impulse leaps into action. When anxiety sparks—poof!—it’s like a little anx

The amount of anxiety we feel about a position impacts our impression of the person holding the view that caused it. In discussing highly polarizing issues, we will sometimes demonize people who claim to hold a view that we believe is truly unacceptable.

Asking those questions wasn’t natural in the moment and continues to be something that I practice in many of my conversations.

Disagreements about information are by far the simplest conflicts to resolve, because there’s a source of truth out there, somewhere within reach.

Eventually, the voice of avoidance becomes as accountable as any of the others, but that accountability is a bit delayed. It’s just a different way of optimizing for short-term results.

HOW TO STOP ANXIETY FROM DERAILING YOUR DISAGREEMENT When you notice anxiety, pause and ask yourself: are you anxious about what is true, what is meaningful, or what is useful? Ask the other party the same question. Do they give the same answer or something different? Narrate out loud what each of you is anxious about (this buys more time and slows

How can I know if these answers are really serving my best interests? What would happen if I did nothing?

If you both settle on a question about what is meaningful, you can ask: Why is this important to us? What past experiences led to us having these preferences or values? If you both settle on a question about what is useful, you can ask: What would happen if we didn’t do anything? How confident are we in the outcome of these different proposed actio