Was It Even Abuse?: Restoring clarity after covert abuse.

relationship by feeling responsible for them, which can feel just as trapping.

You become committed to the

There may even be role reversal, where the abuser expects you to financially provide or care for them.

It is hard to find the words to describe what is happening, because although you are experiencing abuse, it doesn’t look and feel like how you expect abuse to be.

We try to censor our reaction to their abuse, believing there is a reasonable reason for it, whereas our response is unreasonable.

More than this, as the relationship develops, you may make up ‘reasonable reasons’ for their behaviour yourself, as your trust in your own perception dwindles and you become more reliant on their version of reality.

moved further in their favour. For example, they always run thirty minutes

The gradual shift in their behaviour makes it difficult to recognise the abusive behaviour is very much a part of their character and not just a one off.

Another way abuse creeps into the relationship is through a subtle overstepping of boundaries. The abuser pushes on your boundaries using manipulative tactics, such as guilt or gaslighting, fostering doubt as to whether your boundaries are acceptable. Each time you move a boundary, they will push for it to be