The unfaithful partner has insufficient constraints in themselves. In other words, their selfishness trumps their relationality. Sooner or later they’d cheat on anyone. The issue in these cases is narcissism and entitlement. Life is short. I deserve it. The relationship has become so unsatisfying—so contentious, or distant, or dead—that the cheater

In 2002 Ronnie Janoff-Bulman wrote an influential book on trauma entitled Shattered Assumptions. That title captures a lot about the nature of trauma. Trauma shatters you, but not in the places you’d expect. It rips the rug out from beneath you; it rips out the very floor beneath your feet.

inchoate

Now that you’ve listened, you need to respond. How? Empathically and accountably. Own whatever you can, with no buts, excuses, or reasons. “Yes, I did that”—plain and simple. Land on it, really take it on. The more accountable you are, the more your partner might relax.

“Evangelicals?”

The next time emotional temperatures rise, ask yourself, “Which part of me am I in now?” The Adaptive Child is who we revert to when we are triggered. It is an immature ego state, frozen at about the age of the (violating and/or neglectful) injury.

There are seven primary feelings: joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt, love. Stick with those.

Disillusionment comes with the cold realization that not only will your partner not directly heal you, but they are also exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into your eyeball.

But most of us do not reenact the experience of the trauma itself. Instead, we act out the coping strategy that we evolved to deal with it.