As a couples therapist, I have three sources of information: what the partners report about themselves and each other, how they behave in front of me, and how I feel witnessing their behavior.

We will never experience collective healing until we undo the dissociation and compartmentalization that is required of us to do collective harm.

There’s an old saying in family therapy that most couples have the same fight over forty years. Why? Because the same parts of each of them are fighting the same caricatures of their partners. I call these caricatures each partner’s core negative image of the other.

First, repair is not a two-way street. Almost everyone gets this wrong. When you are faced with an upset partner, this is not your turn. This is not a dialogue. Liz doesn’t air all her grievances as an invitation for Phil to then air his. You must take turns. Repair goes in one direction. When your partner is in a state of disrepair, your only job

Here’s how to tell if you were in an abandoning family. It’s a little drill you can use. Good parenting consists of nurture, guidance, and limits, so ask yourself a few questions. Were you intellectually nourished? Were there family discussions at the dinner table? Did you read with anyone? Were you physically nourished? Hugs? Cuddles? Did someone

I tell my clients that whenever one of their inner children kicks up, they should put the child on their lap, put their arms around them, listen compassionately to whatever they need to say, and take their sticky hands off the steering wheel. They are not driving the bus; you are, the prefrontal cortex, the Wise Adult.

When a parent elevates a child and at the same time uses them, we call that enmeshment.

Soft power. When you need to speak up, be artful. Take care of your partner as best you can by explicitly cherishing them and your relationship. Start by letting them know you need repair, is this a good time? If your partner agrees to talk, thank them, start off with an appreciation—something you are thankful for that your partner has said or

But neurologically, as the biologist Robert Sapolsky has observed, the response of empathy and the response of action are two very different and distinct physiological circuits.