Undue Influence

I was free, certainly, but that freedom was ironic, not quite the real thing. I was free because nothing was required of me. I was therefore superfluous. This I knew to be true, but the truth was so unwelcome that I seized my purse and my keys and went out to the all-night supermarket. In the late evening this always seems to be populated by solita

The partners I have chosen have all been well set up, viable, as if I need to know that they carry no trace of mortal illness, that I am not threatened with their decrepitude. My worst nightmare is to be shackled to a sick man, for I have seen what physical sickness can do to the mind. I dare say my father was aware of his lamentable appearance. I

I did not particularly want to be involved in a parade of sentimentality. In any event I am allergic to weddings, having attended too many. But Wiggy is a nicer person, more generous, less judgmental.

One thing was certain: I was not destined for the happiness of a settled life, whether or not I longed for it: I was not one of the elect.

Even in the fairytales which I had read greedily as a child I had been disturbed by the absence of pity, by the slyness and guile that was regarded as quickwittedness.

It must be a terrible thing to die alone, an even worse one to know that you will have to do so. Soldiers in battle have each other, but who will provide comfort in the stretches of the night for one who has had to make a virtue of self-sufficiency? Wiggy and I were entirely preoccupied with this matter. And Eileen had been the acme of common sense

Somehow I must arrange affairs so that these dreadful days and evenings were not to be repeated. I was uncertain how this was to be achieved, but I thought, or rather hoped, that serendipity would play a part. It had not so far let me down.

When I thought of that evening in the restaurant I grew hot with indignation at his opacity. No man, I thought, should behave like that, delivering himself to a woman’s attention with no hint of a suggestion that he should do more.

This evening was a palpable failure. Anyone could see that. Anyone but Martin, that is. An unlimited opportunity to talk was making him reckless, that and the surprise of being remembered by friends from a former life. He looked years younger, altogether impressive. A woman at the next table stole a glance at him, but fortunately he did not notice.