Undue Influence

In the same way I became accustomed to Martin’s absence, while all the time keeping myself in readiness for him. I was aware that I had not behaved well, had, ever since we had met, exerted undue influence. I had no real business in his life. Everything separated us: his age, his status as a widower, his utter refusal to question his own motives an

In the shop my appearance had hardly mattered. In any case book buyers are usually short-sighted. Now I compared myself with those elegant women, or perhaps one elegant woman, in Italy, and felt ashamed. And I had hoped to make an impression simply by being myself! I dispatched naïveté for ever, consigning it to a prelapsarian time before doubt had

I also knew that an unsatisfactory or unfinished love affair can banish normality for some time, and that it was incumbent on me not to indulge in speculation but to dismiss the whole episode as one of those aberrations that unfortunately afflict one from time to time and for which one is hardly responsible, since the gods, or the fates, or the fur

She is steadily, consistently faithful to her lover, whom she never discusses with me. Our mutual exchange in this context is confined to a fairly routine, ‘Are you seeing George this week?’ to which the reply is, ‘Yes, tomorrow,’ or ‘Probably not. He’s very busy.’ And yet he telephoned her every day, which gave her life a settled aspect, and it wa

I blamed myself for imposing my own expectations on him, although those expectations were inalienably mine; presumably I was free to dispose of them as I thought fit. But the sad truth was that those expectations had not been met, and while Martin had remained in character I had somehow slipped out of mine, so that I was now wistful where I had onc

I had somehow failed to make the transition from acquaintance to familiar, and further eagerness on my part would be counterproductive.

In an instant, and without any warning, came the conviction that I could not, should not, contact him again, that it was not in my gift to solicit his company but merely his to grant it from time to time.

When I thought of that evening in the restaurant I grew hot with indignation at his opacity. No man, I thought, should behave like that, delivering himself to a woman’s attention with no hint of a suggestion that he should do more.

It must be a terrible thing to die alone, an even worse one to know that you will have to do so. Soldiers in battle have each other, but who will provide comfort in the stretches of the night for one who has had to make a virtue of self-sufficiency? Wiggy and I were entirely preoccupied with this matter. And Eileen had been the acme of common sense