On a cosmic scale, the harm caused by women not speaking is so colossal, so massive, and so out of proportion to the harm that might be caused by a woman stepping out and asking for something, it almost doesn’t matter if you go too far. If the next two thousand years were spent with women riding slipshod over men and their desires and their rights

But the beautiful thing about strengthening your legitimacy is that it becomes very easy to see that a no is not a no to you, but simply a no to your request. There’s no need to personalize it, or to feel catastrophic about the no.

This is the genius of energetics. There’s juice tied up in roles we don’t allow ourselves to occupy; giving yourself permission to go there unleashes all that power, so that you can use it. The version of yourself that you’re so afraid of—the pitiful, pathetic whiner, the bratty, foot-stamping bitch—is already in your body anyway. By embodying

If desires are a message from you to you about what makes you feel most alive, then an Ask is an extended hand, a way of inviting other people to participate in that part of you. If what they bring is the part of them that is most alive, then every link is powerful, and you are looking at the beginning of a truly transformative community.

Every time you ask someone for something, you are offering them a role in your life.

Many of us were taught to think of asking as a gesture of last resort, one born of weakness, a sign that we’re in need, or lesser than. Women’s recent and hard-won independence means that for many of us, being in the position of supplicant feels humiliating, a confession of vulnerability akin to begging.

One of the most insidious by-products of the patriarchy is the isolation that makes it feel like every woman’s problem is personal and psychological—as opposed to systemic and sociological.

By contrast, a congruent request creates a connection, which in turn creates allies, and leads to intimacy and collaboration. A congruent ask feels good, to both of you. Legitimacy even takes the sting out of no. Because you’re not relying on anyone else to confer validity on your request, a rejection of your invitation doesn’t register as a fatal

In order to know exactly what you want and how you want it, you have to go inside. When you turn your attention inward and connect to what you want—exactly what it will taste and smell like, feel like, and what will change when you have it—then you give yourself permission to take it seriously.