out. I needed to see different things to remind me what I was, in contrast to what I already knew. To see clearly what I had become.

“I am twenty-four years old and I have still done nothing…I am sure it’s not for nothing that I have been struggling with all my doubts and passions for the past eight years. But what am I destined for? Only time will tell.” I was thirty years old reading this, sitting by a river in Mexico, wondering what I had done with my life. I knew it wasn’t f

Human beings have little capacity for sustained horror. I

This is a wild thing to conclude as a kid. It’s not like the moral lessons everyone learns in the course of growing up—like when you call someone a name, see them get hurt, and your conscience teaches you the power of words. Those lessons sting then move you to better behavior. This revelation was different. I hadn’t done something bad. I was somet

I can still see him sitting there, focusing harder on that YouTube video than I’ve ever been focused on anything in my life. One of life’s secrets is tucked away in that moment. I know it is. It has something to do with contrast.

I think the fact that he wasn’t flawless in this gave me ammunition to poke holes. To disregard him. I remembered what his mother said. This happens a lot with people who espouse idealism. We want to feel better about our mediocrity, so we look for the holes.

I lay there thinking back through my life—how much energy I put into planning, trying to guarantee my independence, but how so many of my best memories have come from the times where I needed help and received it.