A kind person will help you understand reality as it is, prompt you to reflect, and nudge you to fine-tune your position till you get to a place where your resolution is helpful for you. A nice person will tell you what feels good - and often what you think you want to hear at that time - even if it doesn’t help you move past that situation.

A kind person supports you as you adapt, grow, and evolve. They remind you that evolving as a human being isn’t something to be ashamed of. That everything evolves, and that’s life’s greatest accomplishment and reward. A nice person likes the version of you they know and wants you to keep that version, even at the risk of losing your place in the future. They are trying to shield you from the pain that comes from evolving - the experience of failing, learning, and improving into something new.

A kind person helps you remember the beauty of thinking and acting with a long-term view in mind. Happiness is collective flourishing for them. A nice person thinks the long-term will take care of itself, and you should exploit things now - even if anyone but you get hurt. Happiness, for them, is zero-sum and immediate.

And when you experience pain, a kind person helps you see the progress that can come from the pain. They are gentle but truthful with their feedback. They nudge you to go to the pain instead of running from it. They support you as you note what the pain is like, how it makes you feel, and over time, what you will do about it. A nice person doesn’t want to ‘kill the vibe’ and wants you to be comfortable. To them, nothing screams discomfort like pain. They may tell you not to think about the pain, and it will ‘disappear’.

A kind person sits with you as you navigate a tough situation. If they know you can build the skills to handle it, they don’t try to ‘save’ you by removing the situation. Instead, they support you as you find the strength and resources that the situation requires. A nice person can’t stand you going through something that tough, so they jump in to save you. What the nice person forgets is that they are robbing you of the strength you need to deal with setbacks, the will to adapt and be resilient, and the reminder of the great things you can accomplish regardless of the situation.

A kind person reminds you about your internal locus of control. They remind you of your role in the outcome you are experiencing, and if you are wise, you’ll take absolute responsibility and hold yourself accountable. From the place of accountability, you can see clearly what you need to do. A nice person gives you reasons why what you are experiencing isn’t really your fault, and how you can blame it on the government, the economy, and anything else but you. They understand your excuses. They know you are a good person, and life isn’t just fair to you.

And when you take on a new daunting project, the kind person tells you to find all the possible ways for it to be done, choose the best of it, and be flexible to change course during the journey. They tell you how daunting it will be and remind you of the courage and strength you carry. The nice person will also remind you of how daunting it will be, but tell you to set the bar low - at least for now - so it’s ‘easier’ to achieve. You know they mean well.

When you ask for feedback, the kind person will be warm and constructive in their feedback. But they will hold nothing back. They understand that the process of asking for feedback means you trust them enough for them to tell you the truth as they see it, even if it may bruise your ego. The nice person doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, they also will give you warm feedback. But just the good one. They don’t see it as their responsibility to tell you the ‘bad’ part. They imagine you’ll eventually hear it - maybe from the market, from those you serve, or from life.

If you have to choose between being nice and kind, the latter is a better option. The ultimate responsibility we all have is to be kind.

Damola Morenikeji • Kinda Nice

On Being Nice (The School of Life Library)

Kinda Nice