This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships

If we’re unwilling to be vulnerable, then we’re unwilling to share the whole truth about who we are. Without sharing the whole truth about who we are, we can never be as trustworthy as relationships require to remain healthy.

To successfully empathize with others, we must make the courageous choice to be vulnerable.

if you are married to someone who loves you and who you very specifically chose to spend the rest of your life with because you believe them to be a good person, then please consider that moments of conflict and the pain of trust erosion are the result of accidentally inflicted wounds—NOT intentional abuse or neglect.

Remember, the Invalidation Triple Threat shows up the same three ways over and over again: We contradict the intellectual experience our partners share. We contradict the emotional experience our partners share. We defend our character and justify our actions, based on what we knew at the time, and imply that we will repeat in the future this same

I didn’t know my wife. But, if I’d chosen to, I could have. And that would have changed everything.

How did this happen? How is it possible she’s this upset about something I didn’t see coming? The damage happens BECAUSE you didn’t see it coming.

“I cannot trust this man. I can’t count on him. He does NOT respect me. He never apologizes for hurting me because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He always tells me how what I think and feel is wrong or dumb. I have all these feelings and I know I’m not crazy, but he NEVER acknowledges them as important or worth his attention. He thinks ‘proving

This is the result of unmet needs further down the pyramid. Expensive gifts, flirty texts, and earnest efforts to contribute more around the house do not feel like thoughtful acts of love and intimacy when they are coming from the same person who triggers feelings of mistrust and a lack of safety.

When we are obstacles to our partners’ pursuit of their own needs, or when we neglect to fulfill any needs that fall to us as their partners, we are complicit in their decisions to pursue those needs elsewhere.