The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

trust and commitment,

The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” stance, which often entails whining and sends the message: “Why are you picking on me? What about all the g

Their minds fill with thoughts like, “He doesn’t care how I feel” and “All that matters to her is getting her way.”

Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples—

repair attempt.

will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your “set point” were lower. And if your relationship becomes overwhelmingly negative, it will be more difficult to repair.

Each becomes increasingly convinced that the other isn’t on their side and doesn’t have their back. The relationship devolves into a zero-sum game in which one partner’s victory is perceived as the other’s defeat. In the presence of this chronic distrust, the sense of safety vanishes.

The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.

Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.”