The Next Day: Transitions, Change, and Moving Forward

When we lose someone we love, our brains struggle to adjust to their absence. Love is what psychologists call a “bonded relationship”—it relies on our belief that we and the people we love will always be there for each other. And when that’s no longer true, at least in a physical sense, it can feel like part of you is missing. In fact, O’Connor arg

“Grief,” wrote the psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, “is the cost of loving someone.” She wasn’t just waxing poetic; she was making a scientific observation.

Mark Nepo, has a poem called “The Work of Care.” It begins, “I’m not sure I can help / but my heart wants to try”

down. I could console but never seek to be consoled.

His immediate family is allowed to do those things, too, but not to him—only to the people outside their circle.

Once you have your circles all sorted out, you follow one simple rule: “comfort in, dump out.” The person at the center of the circle is encouraged to ask any favor, make any request, complain whenever they feel like it, and be extended any grace by anyone in any of the circles around them.

In Ring Theory, you write down the name of the person experiencing the crisis and draw a circle around it. In this case, the name in the center of the circle would have been John’s. Around that circle, you draw a slightly larger circle to represent that person’s immediate family—in this case, Emmy and the kids. Around that circle, you draw another

A good enough parent is one who cares for their child and tends to their needs without expecting perfection of either themselves or their child. In fact, Winnicott and others argue that a good enough parent is actually more effective than a “perfect parent” (whatever that means) because perfectionism has no place in a healthy relationship between p