The Intentional Father

Think through what this might look like for you and your son. Some people plan a weekend trip to see a sports game. Some go on extended wilderness treks. Whatever you do, beware the soul-sucking voice of reason. Make this trip unreasonable. People should be asking, Who does that? Who takes a month and hikes across a country? It will be worth it. Ev

Make a list of the people you’d like to be present at this ceremony of blessing. Where would you like to have it? What affirmations should be spoken? What gifts should you give your child? How could you make this an extraordinary night where he delights in, and receives, your blessing?

Here’s one example of something we did: when we were talking about the beauty and strength of man, we’d watch one episode of Band of Brothers each week and then we’d eat at a different barbecue restaurant around New York City. Band of Brothers and barbecue.

What was your daily ritual like? Nate and I met every day before school from 5:45 a.m. until about 6:30, depending on what we were going through at the time. This gave us some solid boundaries from the beginning—there is no formation without repetition and consistency. This morning time was the meat and potatoes of the entire journey. We went to th

Just like Jacob chased his father’s blessing, so will your son chase yours if you don’t give it to him. He’ll enter into a life of deception and striving, thinking that if he sleeps with enough women or makes enough money, he’s going to be worthy. Maybe he’ll try to prove himself by chasing public attention or dominating others physically. But the

If a son does not receive blessing from his father, he will spend the rest of his life trying to earn that blessing. Creating a blessing ceremony will help cement our sons’ identity and heal wounds they have suffered along the way. It is something only we as fathers can give to our sons.

Young men need a liminal space where they are removed from the normal rhythm and routine of life and given time and opportunity to see what is inside them. They need space to encounter those who have grown up in completely different cultural contexts and bond with other men. In modern life, nothing does this quite as well as a gap year.

Young men rarely think long and hard about the decisions and directions they want their lives to take. The horizon of their thinking often extends to the end of their current season and the start of the next. But wise men understand the arc and seasons of a life and seek to live well in each season to minimize regret and maximize joy.

But during their first week of college, I received frantic calls from two of them. One had lost his virginity at a party, and the other had gotten radically drunk for the first time. They just weren’t equipped; they were not prepared for what college was going to throw at them. They definitely could have used a bit of time between high school and c