The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)

Think back to your childhood: were you made to feel “bad” or in the wrong, or even responsible for your parents’ bad moods? If it happened to you, it is all too easy to try to repair your feeling of being wrong by making someone else feel wrong, and the victims of this are, far too often, our children.

Maybe you’re scared if you admit that, at times, your irritation with your child gets the upper hand, thinking it will intensify those angry feelings or somehow make them more real. But, in fact, naming our inconvenient feelings to ourselves and finding an alternative narrative for them—one where we don’t hold our children responsible—means we won’

Don’t assume the intent of the other person. Without assuming too much or projecting yourself onto the other, try to work out what they are feeling too, and admit it if you got it wrong.

The more you feel stressed and threatened in the company of your partner, the more likely you are to act in a hostile or cold manner toward them. The more your relationship is based on getting one up on them, on winning or losing, on being right, the more likely you are to feel hostility rather than goodwill toward your partner.

These small, day-to-day interactions generate goodwill and reciprocal treatment, and without them our relationships cannot be sustained. So this is the key to a successful partnership: be responsive and interested.

Acknowledge your feelings and consider the other person’s feelings. That means not making yourself “right” and the other person “wrong,” not making yourself “clever” and the other person “stupid.” Nothing wears a relationship or a family down more than if the people within it insist on being the person who is right.

you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, you will deepen your bond with them. Then, there is every likelihood you will increase their capacity for happiness.

For example, if we pretend that, as adults, we are never wrong, the result can be a child who overadapts—not only to what you say, but to what anyone may say. Then they can become more vulnerable to people who may not have their best interests at heart. Instinct is a major component in confidence, competence, and intelligence, so it’s a good idea n

Containing means that you can acknowledge and validate all your feelings. If you can do this for yourself, you’ll find it natural to do this for your child as well. You can take a feeling seriously without overreacting and remain contained and optimistic. You might say, “Oh dear, you are unhappy. Would you like a cuddle? Come to me, then. There we