The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
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The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
only by allowing our vulnerability, being open about who we are, that we can have close relationships.
If you are a repressor, your natural inclination is to push away strong feelings and say “Shush” when you are confronted with them, or “Don’t make a fuss, nothing’s the matter,” or “Be brave.” If you dismiss a child’s feeling as unimportant, they are less liable to share any subsequent feeling with you,
Don’t assume the intent of the other person. Without assuming too much or projecting yourself onto the other, try to work out what they are feeling too, and admit it if you got it wrong.
For example, if we pretend that, as adults, we are never wrong, the result can be a child who overadapts—not only to what you say, but to what anyone may say. Then they can become more vulnerable to people who may not have their best interests at heart. Instinct is a major component in confidence, competence, and intelligence, so it’s a good idea n
... See morewhat fosters goodwill? There seem to be two main ways to do it: (1) responding to bids for connection or attention, and (2) finding solace in each other rather than seeing the other, or others, in the family as adversaries.
Think back to your childhood: were you made to feel “bad” or in the wrong, or even responsible for your parents’ bad moods? If it happened to you, it is all too easy to try to repair your feeling of being wrong by making someone else feel wrong, and the victims of this are, far too often, our children.
they feel rather than become defensive. We need to remember that we all experience the same things differently. No one is wrong because their experience is different from what ours would be. Such differences need to be respected rather than causing you to get into arguments as to who is having the “right” experience.
Relationships are precious, and turning toward bids is a major part of relationship maintenance.
The more you feel stressed and threatened in the company of your partner, the more likely you are to act in a hostile or cold manner toward them. The more your relationship is based on getting one up on them, on winning or losing, on being right, the more likely you are to feel hostility rather than goodwill toward your partner.