The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)

what fosters goodwill? There seem to be two main ways to do it: (1) responding to bids for connection or attention, and (2) finding solace in each other rather than seeing the other, or others, in the family as adversaries.

can see the point of all the attention I give to Toby now; it’s to make him feel good, not just now but in the future. Toni and I are filling him up with love and, hopefully, that will mean he has love to give when he’s older, so he will feel valuable. I have no relationship with my own father. I know Toby is getting from me what I didn’t get from

you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, you will deepen your bond with them. Then, there is every likelihood you will increase their capacity for happiness.

It is also important to know that just because you did not intend that your actions should cause a family member to be upset or irritated, it does not mean that those actions did not upset them. When someone feels bad in response to something we may have said or done, even unintentionally, it is important to listen and to validate how

Relationships are precious, and turning toward bids is a major part of relationship maintenance.

Outside of your awareness, their behavior is threatening to trigger your own past feelings of despair, of longing, of loneliness, jealousy, or neediness. And so you unknowingly take the easier option: rather than empathizing with what your child is feeling, you short-circuit to being angry or frustrated or panicked.

only by allowing our vulnerability, being open about who we are, that we can have close relationships.

These small, day-to-day interactions generate goodwill and reciprocal treatment, and without them our relationships cannot be sustained. So this is the key to a successful partnership: be responsive and interested.

If you are a repressor, your natural inclination is to push away strong feelings and say “Shush” when you are confronted with them, or “Don’t make a fuss, nothing’s the matter,” or “Be brave.” If you dismiss a child’s feeling as unimportant, they are less liable to share any subsequent feeling with you,