The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)

If you are a repressor, your natural inclination is to push away strong feelings and say “Shush” when you are confronted with them, or “Don’t make a fuss, nothing’s the matter,” or “Be brave.” If you dismiss a child’s feeling as unimportant, they are less liable to share any subsequent feeling with you,

Containing means that you can acknowledge and validate all your feelings. If you can do this for yourself, you’ll find it natural to do this for your child as well. You can take a feeling seriously without overreacting and remain contained and optimistic. You might say, “Oh dear, you are unhappy. Would you like a cuddle? Come to me, then. There we

Don’t assume the intent of the other person. Without assuming too much or projecting yourself onto the other, try to work out what they are feeling too, and admit it if you got it wrong.

you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, you will deepen your bond with them. Then, there is every likelihood you will increase their capacity for happiness.

they feel rather than become defensive. We need to remember that we all experience the same things differently. No one is wrong because their experience is different from what ours would be. Such differences need to be respected rather than causing you to get into arguments as to who is having the “right” experience.

It is also important to know that just because you did not intend that your actions should cause a family member to be upset or irritated, it does not mean that those actions did not upset them. When someone feels bad in response to something we may have said or done, even unintentionally, it is important to listen and to validate how

The more you feel stressed and threatened in the company of your partner, the more likely you are to act in a hostile or cold manner toward them. The more your relationship is based on getting one up on them, on winning or losing, on being right, the more likely you are to feel hostility rather than goodwill toward your partner.

only by allowing our vulnerability, being open about who we are, that we can have close relationships.

Relationships are precious, and turning toward bids is a major part of relationship maintenance.